I’ve realized that I’m constantly thinking of proving my deservedness of God’s mercy, constantly trying to see that what I’m doing is right, what I’m doing is great. Because I’m trying to be worthy.
I wonder whether it’s becoming worthy of God’s mercy or worthy in general. I think I tend to prove my worth in general, and even when I think about God, that tendency remains active. So, I try to be worthy of God’s mercy.
In my mind, I need to be good enough to deserve her mercy. Otherwise, why would she have mercy on me?
I try to live virtuously as much as I can. I try to do the right things. I spend a lot of time trying to understand spiritual ideas and what living by them would mean. And I keep trying to live by them.
Then I find myself proud of having these virtues. And then I wonder: “Some are proud of having wealth and status. Others are proud of power. Still others are proud of penance and sacrifices. And I am proud of trying to understand and live by spiritual ideas. Is there any difference? Am I better than people who are arrogant about having wealth and power?”
In my understanding of spirituality, those who are arrogant about their wealth and power are considered the lowest. If I am also arrogant like them (just for a different reason), am I better than those people? If not, what have I achieved by striving to live by spirituality all these years?
Perhaps nothing. But see, why am I trying to achieve anything? Because I want to be worthy of her mercy.
But then, the question comes: “Do I need to be worthy of her mercy?” “Does she evaluate before showering her mercy?”
Perhaps not. But I have heard this analogy: the Sun is shining on everyone. Our job is to come out of our walls in the Sun’s presence. So, it’s not that the Sun evaluates us before shining on us, but that our walls prevent the Sun from reaching us.
In a way, I imagine my striving to be worthy as tearing down those walls so her light can reach me. But after all these years of striving, I still find myself at the bottom of the ladder: arrogant about my spirituality.
What do I do then?
As I sit with this helplessness, I realize that this need to prove myself worthy or deserving is based on a root thought that I am not a child or a piece of God. Because if this were true, I wouldn’t need to prove my worth or deservedness. So, every time I try to prove my worth or deservedness, I also affirm that I am not a part of her, that I am separate from her, and that she may find me unworthy. So, I am always at risk, even with respect to God. Even God’s love is conditional. (I see now that tearing down the walls had become a “condition” for God’s love.)
But as I write this, I am asking: if God’s love is not conditional, what does that mean? I can’t process it. How can it be? It is overwhelming for me to let this idea sink deep within me. My whole life, I have been trying to be better so that I become deserving.
And here’s an idea that completely upturns things. “I am already accepted.” I have lived my life believing I can be rejected. So I feel I need to constantly improve myself to be accepted. The threat of rejection looms over my head all the time.
If I accepted God’s unconditional love, my life would be turned upside down. How would I live then? If I were not trying to prove my worthiness all the time, how would I live? I would be so overwhelmed with gratitude that I am afraid I would drown in it. How can anyone accept me unconditionally?!
“No, God cannot accept me unconditionally. She cannot. I have to prove my worth. I need to become deserving. I am not good enough. I am full of defects, full of flaws.” I find myself thinking all this.
Still, another part of me is trying to touch the idea that perhaps I am accepted the way I am. That all the running I have done in my life to prove my worthiness was unnecessary. That I can stop now. That it’s time to let this idea seep within me: that I am a piece of, or a child of, the divine. There’s no way I can be rejected. My acceptance is assured by the reality of who I am.
It is extremely hard for me to accept this. I cannot imagine living with the idea that I’ve already been accepted. I cannot imagine living without my acceptance in question. I have been running for my entire life, trying to prove my worth, my deservedness. How can I stop? What would it mean to finally stop?
I don’t know. I am overwhelmed.
ਜੋ ਸਰਣਿ ਆਵੈ ਤਿਸੁ ਕੰਠਿ ਲਾਵੈ ਇਹੁ ਬਿਰਦੁ ਸੁਆਮੀ ਸੰਦਾ ॥
The Lord lovingly embraces whoever comes to the Lord’s Sanctuary – this is the way of the Lord and Master.